Every once in a while, I come across a story that stops me in my tracks. Like the Italian high court’s decision to overturn a pedophile’s conviction because his 11-year-old victim says she’s “in love.” Or the Australian judge who pointed out that easy access to abortion and contraception may lead to the legal sanction of incest, as it has to once-taboo homosexual relationships. Today’s story stayed with me all day, as I pondered the implications of a gay actor describing his joy at being able to create children with his partner–while he’s HIV-positive.
As a faithful Catholic, I have dozens of theological reasons for believing it’s wrong for two men or two women to use in vitro fertilization or surrogacy to obtain a child. But I actually don’t need a theological reason, because I’ve had six children with my husband over the past 20 years. And what I’ve learned is that the relationship between a woman and her child is primal, sacred, and written in my very flesh.
We used to know this intuitively. But as we’ve fixated more and more on fulfilling our personal desires to the detriment of everything (and everyone) else, inconvenient truths about the irreplaceable relationship between a child and his mother, between a child and her father, were sacrificed at the alter of Me, Myself, and I. Facts, though, are stubborn things, to quote John Adams. And the facts are clear: a child needs a mother and father for the best chance to be emotionally, psychologically, and even physically healthy.
The psychological and biological inter-dependency of a mother and her child, from conception through infancy, is well established. A baby is born with eyes that can focus just about the distance from his mother’s breast to her face; his cry will cause her body to involuntarily release milk to nourish him. A newborn allowed skin contact with his mother has a more stable temperature, higher blood sugar levels (a good thing), and more normal heart and breathing rates. A mother and child who sleep together even synchronize their breathing. There are dozens of studies showing the many ways in which a child depends on his mother’s actual presence to gain the best footing upon entering the world.
Despite all this, I find myself a growing minority in refusing to celebrate the scenario of two men creating twin boys with an egg donor to raise as their own, as happened in Texas last year. I’ve carried a child and then held him to my chest, feeling the spiritual connection between us reflected in my very body, which responds reflexively and unconsciously to his needs. I saw the picture of the two Texas dads holding their baby boys to their naked chests right after birth to mimic the skin-to-skin contact recommended for moms and babies. I cried about it for days. Because instead of celebrating the victory for gay rights, as everyone else seemed to be, all I could think about was the confusion and incalculable loss to those two little boys, who instinctively sought the warm haven of their mother’s arms–and were denied them by adults whose priority was their wants over the children’s needs. Because that’s what good parents do, right?
After infancy, mothers are just as indispensable to their children. I have four daughters and it’s primarily my job to help them navigate the emotional, social and physical challenges of growing into a woman. Even the most compassionate gay dad will never be an adequate substitute for a loving mother who shares your unique feminine biology and struggles. A girl doesn’t want her dad or even her gay dad’s best female friend to help her when she gets her first period; she wants–she deserves–a mother there with her.
And what about fathers? Despite the secular portrayal of fathers as incidental to children’s development, the facts are stubborn here, too: fathers have a profound effect on their children’s development. Girls who grow up apart from their biological father are more likely to experience early puberty and a teen pregnancy than girls who spend their childhood with both parents. Research suggests that a father’s pheromones may influence his daughter’s biological development and that his presence provides the security and confidence she needs to avoid “looking for love in all the wrong places.”
It should go without saying that a boy needs a father to guide him into manhood, but conventional wisdom now says that two women can do the same job for a boy that a father would. Yet I’m certain my preteen son would disagree. Even the most caring mother can’t speak to a boy’s struggle to embrace his masculinity–both biologically and psychologically–like a father can. A boy wants a father to show him how to shave, not a mother. A boy with a father can look at his dad and know that he, too, will survive all the bodily and emotional changes that have turned his world upside down.
Yes, life is messy and sometimes we can’t provide our children with a mother and a father. Their father left us; our spouse died. Her addiction or his abuse forced us to divorce to keep everyone safe. But here’s the difference: single parents always intended to give their child the two parents they need. These men and woman are making the best of a bad situation and I know God blesses these families with abundant graces. Most single-parent families also still have the opposite-sex parent as part of the child’s life; though separated, the mother and father are still available to the child and can provide the guidance and model he needs while growing up. Even when regrettable circumstances separate a child from his biological parents, adoption can still provide him with a loving mother and father so that he can thrive despite that loss.
But that’s not what happens when gay couples start a family–these folks deliberately create a child that will never have a father or mother, for which there is no hope of ever having both of the vital relationships so important to our development as persons. It is fundamentally wrong–not from a religious perspective, but from a human rights one–to purposefully deprive a child of so basic a need as a mother and father, so that gay men and women may have what they WANT.
A girl needs a mother to learn how to be a woman. A boy needs a father to learn how to be a man. Children need the opposite sex parent, too; a girl needs a father and a boy needs a mother, for both provide example and guidance unique to their sex. A mother and father provide the fullest education in what it means to be human–and this is simple wisdom that no amount of social engineering will change.
Beautifully written! You explained a difficult topic with eloquence and love. Thank you for giving these babies a voice to be heard. 🙂
God bless you.
My husband and I are foster parents through the county we reside in. We have a beautiful foster baby that we’ve had since birth. If her parents are unable to get their lives together we’d love to adopt her. However, I have learned from several friends of mine that were adopted by loving families as infants that the biological bond, though broken, never goes away. Years of therapy and many “issues” later this broken bond still influences their lives today even though the love and care they received was more than adequate. For this reason, I pray for our foster baby’s parents every day so that she can be with the flesh of her flesh. Will they give her an entirely different life than we could? Yes, but they are hers and at important milestones, I think she will always deep down long for them to share it with….even if we lavish her with love all the days of her life. I think the intent of this article is that love can come in many forms, but God in his genius, made us to want “our people” and to start out life without them puts these babies at a disadvantage psychologically and emotionally. To have someone choose that path for a child simply because they wanted a child to love, is not loving at all.
Katie, as an adoptee, I can’t express how much I appreciate your willingness to acknowledge the loss of the biological bond between your foster baby and her parents. I grew up with an adoptive mother who felt threatened every time I showed any interest in my biological roots and all it did was intensify my painful feelings of loss. While I do believe that loss does stay with adopted children, I also believe that adoptive parents who are supportive of the child’s interest in that biological connection have the greatest chance of minimizing the personal impact of the loss to their child. It’s a blessing to have adoptive parents who are secure enough to say to their child, “We’re sorry that you lost your biological mother and father; we know a part of you will always feel that loss. And we know, too, that no amount of love from us will ever erase it. But while our love can’t eliminate that loss, it can redeem and transform it for you, just as Christ’s love does for every wounded soul.” Adopted children need to know that they have permission to feel that loss without the worry that they’re hurting the adoptive parents’ feelings by acknowledging it. I am humbled and awed by your willingness to pray for the best for this child, even at great personal loss. If she does need adoptive parents, she couldn’t ask for better than you.
Wonderfully and beautifully written. We are differently experiencing the Me, Myself and I age. God Bless you and Welcome Home!
“And the facts are clear: a child needs his biological mother and biological father for the best chance to be emotionally, psychologically, and even physically healthy.” Kind of throws the whole anit-abortion/adoption idea out the window doesn’t it? Only biological parents can raise a healthy, happy child? Really? What about raising children who live a life filled with love and acceptance? As a wife of nearly 20 years, who has raised three healthy, happy, and psychologically well adjusted children with my husband, my hope is that every child could find loving parents, be they biological, adopted, or same sex. Love is universal. It is not limited to biology. Too many children need someone to take an interest in them, their lives, their future, and their heart. Unfortunately, biology does not give sole license to love and raise healthy kids.
About 10 years ago, the very wealthy gay client of a company I used to work for, decided to do this with his partner. They hired two surrogate mothers and had them impregnated with their sperm. I was completely shocked at this at the time and, just like you, were horrified and heartbroken for these children who would never, ever, ever have a mother.
As the mother of two boys, I literally wept for these children who would have confusion and pain every Mother’s Day. Who would have to walk through life knowing that that they had no loving mother’s arms to comfort them in love and trial. No sweet mommy kisses. How selfish of these people. What a child needs should be most important. No matter how much money you make, or time you spend will make up for the fact this human being will grow up with a hole in it’s heart that you not only made, but made deliberately. You can try to pretend it is no big deal, but it is for that child. And it will be for his/her whole life.
I think we should always want what is ideal for children. They deserve no less.
Misty- Thank you for your kind words. I’m sorry to hear of your experience. That must have been very difficult for you as an adopted child. I think people want to think that adopting is like a Disney movie. What people need to understand is that even though you’ve gained a lot, you essentially lost even more. The Holy Spirit has really given me a love for our foster baby’s parents and even though it is difficult to imagine life without her, I love HER enough to want what will benefit her in the long run. I pray that our Heavenly Father has or will grace all those who have been adopted with peace and healing. As I understand, the journey is ongoing. May the peace of the Lord be with you!
I feel sorry for you. Your ignorance is appalling. There have always been homosexuals and now it is great that they are finally given opportunities that everyone else has. I know many heterosexual parents who aren’t good parents. I personally know 3 gay couples with children and they are great parents. There are good and bad parents everywhere. Be careful, the gay population is at 11%, to give you an idea, the African American population is at 12%. That’s how many there are. And all families have homosexuals, wether they are “out” or not is a different story. It is wonderful that the gay population has all the choices that heterosexuals have.