The news is a bastion of negativity, and for the Church, these are trying times indeed. I am sure you don’t need me to enumerate the “why’s”. It’s easy to be discouraged with the state of affairs, and I for one could always use a dose of positivity. I am excessively fond of this Church, and I don’t think I could say it any better than G.K. Chesterton:
“The Catholic Church is like a thick steak, a glass of red wine, and a good cigar.”
Last time I gave you five things I thought were cool about the Church (that you should think are cool, too!), and since I am inexplicably drawn to lists for some reason, today I give you:
Nine Ways Being Catholic Makes Your Life Easier and/or More Fun (Because I Couldn’t Think of Ten)!
1. Personal GPS– My Divine Mercy medal and St. Mary Magdalene medal jingle together on my necklace with every movement like bells on a kitten, so my family always knows exactly where I am in the house! Pros: I’m never lost and alone! Cons: I’m never alone.
2. Feasts– Looking for a reason to celebrate? See a delicious cake or tasty-looking treat in the store and find yourself saying, “That looks awfully good, I wish today was some sort of special occasion so I could buy it…”? All you have to do is open your iMissal app, check out the calendar, and whaddaya know? It’s So-and-So’s feast day! Bam! In the cart.
3. Smell control– It’s Sunday morning, and as you pull into the parking lot for Mass, you realize that amidst the chaos that is your house pre-Church, you forgot to put on deodorant. What to do? Sit up front, of course! The people up there can only smell incense anyway. If you’re charismatic, keep your hands down.
4. There’s a Saint for that– Patron saint of clowns? St. Genesius. Unattractive people? St. Drogo. Afraid of wasps? St. Friard’s got your back. Venereal Disease? Wait… what? For real? Yep, there’s even a saint for that! (St. Fiacre)
5. Catholic humor- For reasons that still mystefy me, I told my Protestant mother the following joke (courtesy of fisheaters):
A nun at a Catholic school asked her students what they want to be when they grow up.
Little Suzy declares, “I want to be a prostitute.”
“What did you say?!” asks the nun, totally shocked.
“I said I want to be a prostitute,” Suzy repeats.
“Oh, thank heavens,” says the nun. “I thought you said ‘a Protestant!'”
She gave me a mildly amused, exasperated eyeroll, so I said, “It’s me and you together forever, Mom!” to which she replied, “Until we die and I go to Heaven, and you’re stuck in Purgatory!” See? She gets it already.
6. Home decor– Catholics lead the pack in options for dressing up your home. Statues, tapestries, icons, wall rosaries, crucifixes, kneelers, holy water fonts… you could arrange your house in such a way that the Pope himself could jet over from St. Peter’s and feel totally at home. You can even carry it out to your garden with a statue of the Blessed Mother! Let your neighbors know that even your plants are Catholic.
7. Multi-lingual– Impress your non-Catholic friends with your knowledge of many languages! Casually throw out a “Kyrie eleison” and follow it up with, “Oh, you don’t speak Greek? It means ‘Lord, have mercy’.” Or, “Dominus vobiscum! I’m sorry, I keep forgetting you don’t speak Latin. I said, ‘The Lord be with you’. My B.” Watch as their eyes widen with awe!
8. Fashion options– Never again be paralyzed by indecision when considering your manicure options- coordinate your nails with the colors of the liturgical calendar! They have ridiculous names for nailpolish, anyway. Who could turn down “Lenten Violet”, or “Ordinary Green”, or “Gaudette Rose”? And people say the Church isn’t pro-woman… pfffft.
9. Chant– Who doesn’t love Gregorian chant? But why stop there, I say! Chant everything. Turn your life into a Catholic musical! “Hoooney, have you seeeeen my keeeeeys?” “Have you triiiiied praaaaaying to St. Anthonyyyyyy?” ” Goooood ideeeeea! Aaaaaaamen.” Bonus: this will embarrass the hell out of your older children. Guaranteed.
So, there you go. Next time you’re feeling down, and maybe being Catholic isn’t the easiest thing for you at the moment, just remember these perks. You’re welcome!