I hold you close and kiss your sweet head. I hold your hand and notice how tiny it looks nestled in my own. I watch you run and hear you giggle. I delight in every aspect of you. Your eyes twinkle with naughtiness and I try to hide my smile as I tell you no, don’t do that. But I can’t hold back how much I enjoy your antics and you laugh in return knowing I can never be angry with you. Your smile brightens the darkest day and makes the rain clouds seem not so dreary. I look at you and wish that this moment in time would never end.
But, as the night melts away and the morning glow begins to spread across the sky, I know that our time together will be just another memory. As I begin to rouse from my sleep, I am saddened that I won’t see you again all day. I’m not even sure you will come again through the night, but I pray that you once again will visit me in my dreams.
I held you inside of my body for just a moment in time and yet I hold you in my heart for all eternity. I dream about the memories we would have made, should have made, before your beautiful life ended. It is through my dreams that I am able to hold you and my arms don’t feel so empty. I look forward to our time together as I wait until one day we are reunited.
God gave me a beautiful gift. I was only able to hold that gift in my arms for a short while and yet that gift continues to bless me, continues to show me God’s love, and continues to give me hope. My beautiful son, I don’t know why we lost you when we did and I can’t understand why we lost you the way we did, but I find that knowing you are in heaven, waiting for us, praying for us, and loving us, gives me such hope! While I love to hold you while I sleep, I dream to hold you for real. You inspire me to be a better person. I want to live my life so that one day, when God decides my fate, He will allow me to spend the rest of my days with you, glorifying and thanking the Lord for all He has given us.
Thank you, Lord, for the gift of my children, those who are living and those who reside in heaven with You. While we can’t know Your ways, we know that You are merciful and loving and that you take care of those who call out Your name. You know the pain of seeing Your Son suffer. Please be with me as I long for my own son and all my children who have gone to be with You. Ease my pain and unite my suffering to Christ’s. Thank you for the gift of holding my children in my dreams; please hold them close to You until they fill my arms once again.
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About Michelle Fritz
Michelle Fritz is a daughter of God, a cradle Catholic, a Georgia peach, a devoted wife of almost 30 years to amazing husband Mike, and an eclectic homeschooling mother to eleven living children. She has experienced the loss of 16 babies in her call to be open to life, but knows that God is always loving and always gracious. She and her husband know that they have an army of Saints already in heaven! In addition to her vocation as wife, mom, and homeschool teacher she also holds a Masters in Theology and has recently taken on the role of Youth Minister for both the middle school and high school groups at her parish.