Regret Will Inevitably Come Knocking
What I am about to share is truly my darkest hour of life. I have a “no-regret” policy when it comes to the way I live, but I cannot seem to shake the regret of my abortion. I have regretted it since before it even happened, but I know other women who have gone years before regret eventually came knocking. Trust me when I say this: Regret will inevitably come knocking. The immense regret, selfishness, shame, and down right pain I feel on almost a daily basis is often too much to bear. I hope that by sharing my story I can influence even just one girl or woman who is considering abortion, and prevent her from making unquestionably the worst decision of her life.
My mother refers to it as, “the incident.” My grandmother calls it, “your little procedure.” But I like to call it what it is: murder. Over seven years and two kiddos later I can say with full confidence that when you have an abortion, you are not removing tissue. You are ending a human life. I look at my God-given children that I was able to conceive and deliver, and I can’t help but know in my heart that the “tissue” (as my mother, friends, and the doctor called it) was so much more than just that. My son was at one point “just tissue.” I was at one point, “a speck without a heartbeat.” My mother started out as, “just a clump of cells.” So what makes any other baby different? How come all tissue-like clumps of cells aren’t given the same amount of respect that all of us were entitled to when we were that miniscule?
I fell pregnant at the age of fifteen. I was pushed by my older family members whom I looked up to, to lose my virginity. I was literally made fun of for still being a virgin. Obviously, I was not raised in a Christian home. I became caught up in the world, hormones, and peer pressure, which is eventually what led me to become pregnant. The moment when two lines show up on a pregnancy test should be nothing but pure joy for a woman. For me it was anything but pure joy. Fear, shame, panic and shock are just a few of the initial emotions that flooded my head. I am confident that if I was given some time that I would have become extremely overjoyed that I was carrying life, but time is something I did not have much of.
Less than a week after my mother found out about my pregnancy, it was over. There was absolutely no discussion about what would happen. Since I was too young to even drive, after school on Monday my mom drove me to Planned Parenthood. I told her that I’d need an appointment, but my mother informed me that they could just, “Do it right now.” My mom’s selfishness is what ultimately caused my abortion. There was no way she could endure the shame and humiliation that went along with people finding out that her teenage daughter was pregnant.
It was no surprise that I was right and they only did abortions on Thursdays. I never wanted an abortion but I would never dare speak against my parents. The days leading up to that Thursday I would rub my tummy, and even take my headphones and play music for the baby up against my skin. Looking back I can’t exactly pinpoint the emotions I was feeling. I definitely loved my baby, but I didn’t fully realize just exactly what it was. A human life. I understood that it was my child, and that I loved him or her dearly, but for some reason at the time I wasn’t totally aware of the reality of what was growing inside of me.
When we got to Planned Parenthood I had to be escorted inside by my mom and two of the employees because of the violent protesters. They were screaming hateful words at me, and drawing physically close enough to be uncomfortable but not close enough to be illegal. I absolutely detested those women but now ironically I hope to some day become one, (except going about it in a much more loving and effective way!) I won’t get in to the exact details of the procedure, but my pregnancy was terminated at about 5 weeks along. My mom justified it by saying it didn’t even have a heartbeat so it was literally, “nothing.” It’s not the actual abortion procedure that has the most impact on your life, but the effects it causes afterward.
It seemed like things were fine for a while, I didn’t seem to think about what had happened too much. However it eventually caught up to me. After what would have been my due date hit I started to lose it. I couldn’t help but think that I would have had a tiny baby in my arms. I would have had a human who unconditionally loved me. I did have a human who unconditionally loved me and I murdered them. You would think that with each passing year the pain would lessen, but the opposite is true. Each year that goes by marks another missed birthday… Another kiss on the forehead that I can never give… Another tantrum I cannot calm. It marks another, “I love you mommy” that I will never hear. I have found comfort knowing that God forgives me and that Our Mother Mary is holding and loving on my sweet baby. As much as that knowledge helps, there is absolutely nothing that can take away the fact that I will never get to meet and hold that precious blessing I was given.
Since my abortion I have had two beautiful and healthy children. I feel so undeserving because there are so many women who cannot conceive babies and yet there I was, pregnant and blessed with a child, and I threw it all out the window. I want to reach out to anyone who is pregnant and considering abortion, but even more I want to reach out to the parents of young people who become pregnant. I felt absolutely helpless and at the mercy of my parents who decided I would have an abortion. I think we need to pray for the parents of teenagers so that they may have open and loving hearts when they hear their daughter is pregnant, or even that their son helped conceive a child.
I reach out to young girls who feel pressured in to sex before they are ready: Even if you think you’re ready, you aren’t. There is a reason God calls us to wait until marriage to engage in sexual activity. Parents of teenagers, preach abstinence rather than, “safe sex” because believe me, I thought I was engaging in safe sex, yet I became pregnant. The anger, shame, regret and self-loathing that I feel on almost a daily basis is something I would never wish on anybody. Respect your body, respect your child– Choose life. . If you can’t emotionally, mentally, or financially take care of a baby, there is someone else who can! Adoption is an amazing gift to all those involved.
You can have this baby. God will help you get through it. Don’t make the mistake I made. You can’t un-do an abortion.
::Our guest writer loves being a stay-at-home mom to two young children. She is devoted to helping young girls who are faced with an unplanned pregnancy. As a Catholic convert, she absolutely loves digging deeper into the Faith and building a stronger relationship with Jesus Christ every day.::